i was here. and this is all i could contribute.

i’ve often fantasized about doing something unexpected and disrupting in a public place for all to see and gawk, scowl, or laugh at. it’s an impulse i feel must be inherent to being human. if we are, in most our everyday lives, following routines that never spark imagination or amusement in anyone, let alone ourselves, then it seems natural to one day wish or dare to try something outwardly shocking. 

two acts of public disruption have crossed my mind on numerous occasions. they are neither complex or terrifying. they’re just…i don’t know…freeing. or seemingly so.

i am at a crossroads where i fear its now or never. liver willing, i will reach my quarter-century birthday this year. i feel the ripeness of my youth slowly staling. i will soon run out of excuses to conduct these experiments since i’m no performance artist and could never feel comfortable copping out of embarrassment by claiming to be one (“this was an artistic statement, for a project i’m exhibiting at Fecal Face next month…”).

my two fantasies are to  either scream loudly in an enclosed public space- such as a bus, or the supermarket- or kiss a perfect (and perfectly good looking) stranger in broad daylight, sobriety in tact. 

let’s explore the latter- as it has the most obvious intrigue for all parties involved…

i see them all the time- beautiful men. they stare at my lips, they examine my breasts, check to see if i have an ass (i don’t) and eye-fuck the hell out of me while we wait in line for coffee, or while we wait to pay for our 12 items or less, or while pumping gas.

the lacking presence of alcohol seems to be what keeps these men from saying anything as opposed to the others i encounter while waiting in line for a beer, or for 1am cigarettes at the liquor store, or while dancing.

i’ve felt the timid rush of desire many times. i imagine surging past the consumers or coffee drinkers between us and walking up to one of them and kissing him- my tongue tasting of sweet mint gum or apple jolly ranchers, both of which i am orally fixated on. i imagine doing this- hurriedly and passionately- and then walking away like nothing happened. i imagine that, after quickly fussing up his hair and having my non-existent ass grabbed, i simply stop when i feel us just on the brink of that certain type of horniness which leads strangers to fuck in bathrooms on airplanes, and casually saunter my hips as i stroll back to where i started from. 

ok, excuse me while i go masturbate….

———

there are more things that could go wrong here than not. a girlfriend might be approaching- hands holding heavy soup cans missed from the grocery check list. or, he could be repulsed by my advances due to his preference for cock over pussy. or, even worse, he could just be repulsed by me in general.

well, i’m one for one.
but that doesn’t mean my nerves have calmed about moving forward with this idea!
several weeks ago- in the height of an emotional panic after a friend’s death left me hazy and reckless- i kissed a perfect stranger that made eyes at me from another table at the restaurant i was having dinner at.

i was with a male friend, who is also a co-worker, and who’s overt and annoying love for me often makes my heart turn cold to the point of wanting to intentionally hurt him. i know that sounds terrible.  i have confronted him in the past, and his inability to admit to that which is constantly pointed out me- that he’s obsessed with me-makes me feel no sorrow for his longing but rather pushes me to treat it as if it were what he tries to play it as: nothing. i do not feel anything in return. but i cannot feel sorry for this point. perhaps it was the combination of feeling sour at his unfaltering feelings (which can sometimes make it very awkward to maintain friendship) and the fact that the recent loss i’d experienced had me gripping to existential life themes and worrying that tomorrow may never come. so, when my friend excused himself to use the restroom, i fidgeted in my seat, forward facing the cute guy who was eating with a buddy, and loudly proclaimed “fuck it, if i don’t do this now i never will” and got straight up from my table, walked a few short steps to his booth, straddled him, and proceeded to make out. it was a nice one minutes make-out session, his buddy proclaiming the entire time “that’s fucking awesome!” and our waitress walking behind my back exclaiming in agreement. “what about your friend?” he asked in between grabbing my lower back and sucking me back into his mouth. “he’s just a co-worker,” i answered.

once i’d determined i wasn’t cruel enough to allow my friend catch me kissing a stranger, i pulled myself off the gentleman (who kissed so well) and went back to my table. the smiles on our faces put any doubt about my ability to do this momentarily out of mind. “i’m sorry,” i happily proclaimed, without meaning, “i’ve just always wanted to do that and felt if it wasn’t RIGHT now i never would. you’re a great kisser.” he nodded, “we kiss great together!” and with that, my friend returned. and though the waitress winked from behind him while he resumed his drink, all went back to as if nothing had just happened. 

it felt fucking fantastic.